Meanwhile... Elon Musk's Bad Rap Debut
BIG SIDES OF NEWS BEEF FOR YOU, BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO TAKE A
MINUTE TO GRIND UP THE HOOVES AND MIX THE NEWS-KERATIN INTO MY
DOWNMARKET SHAMPOO OF A SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: EVERYBODY--
MEANWHILE, NASA WANTS TO STUDY THE LONGTERM EFFECTS OF BEING
IMMOBILE, SO THEY'VE COME UP WITH THE DREAM JOB FOR ME IN
COLLEGE, "OFFERING PEOPLE $19,000 TO STAY IN BED FOR
TWO MONTHS."
LET ME SAVE YOU SOME CASH.
JUST DROP BY MY HOUSE WHILE I'M BINGEING "GAME OF THRONES"
BEFORE THE SEASON PREMIERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "BED SORES ARE COMING!"
( LAUGHTER ) DURING THE TWO MONTHS,
"PARTICIPANTS WILL BE ASKED TO DO A NUMBER OF ACTIVITIES LYING
DOWN, SUCH AS EATING, READING, WATCHING TV, OR GOING TO THE
BATHROOM."
BUT "YOU MUST SPEAK GERMAN."
OR AT LEAST LEARN A FEW KEY PHRASES, LIKE, "HERR DOCTOR, I
BEG OF YOU, PLEASE CHANGE THE SHEETS OF MY HORIZONTAL EATING
TOILET."
DANKE.
DANKE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SPEAKING OF THE "GAME OF
THRONES," THE SHOW'S FIGHT CHOREOGRAPHER SAID RECENTLY THAT
IN ORDER TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF ALL ACTORS ON SET, "'GAME OF
THRONES' HAS A SAFE WORD."
WHICH EXPLAINS THE END OF SEASON ONE:
>> WAIT!
I FORGOT THE SAFE WORD!" ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: SPOILER ALERT, JON.
SPOILER ALERT.
>> Jon: YEAH, I SEE THAT.
>> Stephen: HE'S FINE.
HE'S FINE.
TO MAKE SURE THE SAFE WORD WAS EFFECTIVE, HE PICKED ONE "THAT
MIGHT SOUND COMPLETELY FOREIGN TO THE PEOPLE OF WESTEROS:"
"BANANA."
CAN THAT ALSO BE THE SAFE WORD FOR WHEN YOU'RE WITH SOMEONE WHO
WON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT "GAME OF THRONES?"
( LISPING ) "WELL, TECHNICALLY, IF JON SNOW
IS ACTUALLY A TARGARYEN, THAT MEANS HE CAN REPEL FIRE WHICH,
REALISTICALLY, HE WOULD HAVE DISCOVERED BY NOW IN HIS LIFE,
SO IT REALLY DOESN'T HOLD UP--" "BANANA!
BANANA!
DEAR GOD, BANANA!" MEANWHILE, "A PENNSYLVANIA MAN
WAS JUST ARRESTED FOR DRUNK DRIVING."
THE MAN'S NAME?
DANIEL SOBER.
( LAUGHTER ) POLICE CALL THIS THEIR MOST
IRONIC NAME-RELATED ARREST SINCE THEY CAUGHT THE NOTORIOUS SERIAL
KILLER STEVE NOTTAMURDERER.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, SCIENTISTS HAVE
DISCOVERED THAT "DUBSTEP MUSIC HAS BEEN FOUND TO PROTECT
AGAINST MOSQUITO BITES BY DELAYING HOST ATTACK, REDUCING
BLOOD FEEDING, AND DISRUPTING MATING," BUT IT'S "SPECIFICALLY
MUSIC BY SKRILLEX."
( LAUGHTER ) RESEARCHERS ALSO CONCLUDED THAT
THEY'D RATHER JUST GET MALARIA.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE--
( APPLAUSE ) SKRILLEX.
MEANWHILE, ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE CONTINUES TO MAKE
STRIDES, BECAUSE NOW "A.I. CAN PREDICT WHO WILL DIE EARLY WITH
'UNSETTLING ACCURACY.'" SO DON'T BE SURPRISED WHEN YOU
ASK ALEXA TO ORDER MORE PAPER TOWELS, AND SHE STRONGLY
SUGGESTS ONE-DAY SHIPPING.
( LAUGHTER ) RESEARCHERS--
>> Jon: NO!
>> Stephen: RESEARCHERS TRAINED THE A.I. BY HAVING IT ANALYZE
PATIENTS' HEALTH DATA USING "COMPUTER-BASED 'MACHINE
LEARNING' ALGORITHMS."
THE ALGORITHM IS PRETTY COMPLICATED.
DID PATIENT "A" PUT AWAY SEVEN CINNABONS ON SUNDAY?
IF NO, GO TO ALIVE.
IF YES, GO TO DEAD.
MEANWHILE, FOR SOME REASON, THIS WEEKEND, ELON MUSK DROPPED A RAP
SONG EULOGIZING HARAMBE THE GORILLA.
OH, GOOD!
SO THAT MUST MEAN THE HYPERLOOP IS DONE, AND WE'VE COLONIZED
MARS, AND YOU FINISHED THAT MACHINE THAT GETS KIDS OUT OF
CAVES?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THAT HEADLINE SOUNDS BAD,
BUT IT DOESN'T SOUND NEARLY AS BAD AS THE SONG ITSELF.
TAKE A LISTEN.
♪ R.I.P. HARAMBE SIPPING ON SOME BOMBAY
♪ WE ON OUR WAY TO HEAVEN AMEN, AMEN ♪
>> Stephen: THAT IS THE CRUELEST THING EVER TO HAPPEN TO HARAMBE:
THE GORILLA WHO SPENT HIS LIFE IN A ZOO AND WAS MURDERED.
BUT THIS IS PART OF A LONG TRADITION OF GENIUS INVENTORS
MAKING EMBARRASSING FORAYS INTO MUSIC.
WHO CAN FORGET THOMAS EDISON'S WAX CYLINDER SINGLE DURING
THE ALTERNATIVE-CURRENT VS.
DIRECT-CURRENT WARS.
♪ I ELECTROCUTED AN ELEPHANT TO PROVE A.C, IS BAD!
♪ BUT CHILDREN SAW OL' TOPSY FRY AND I GUESS THAT MADE THEM SAD ♪
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH EMILIA CLARKE.
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