April Fools' Day, U.S.-Mexico Border - Monologue
Today was April Fool's Day.
So if you saw anything in the news that was positive,
that's why.
[ Laughter ]
President Trump this weekend
threatened to close the U.S.-Mexico border,
which could prevent businesses from importing key items.
And if we can't import strawberries from Mexico,
we may be forced to eat American strawberries.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Officials are claiming that the United States
will run out of avocados within three weeks
if President Trump closes the U.S.-Mexico border,
which is bad, but I think it's way more disconcerting
that everything has to be explained to the public
in avocados.
[ Laughter ]
"There will be a trade war! Families will be torn apart!
Our national reputation will be damaged!"
[Flatly] "Uh-huh."
"No guacamole!"
"What?! Impeach!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
Indiana mayor and Democratic presidential hopeful
Pete Buttigieg has announced his campaign has raised
$7 million in the last three months.
But unfortunately, he's just going to use the money
to buy more vowels.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Buttigieg-eg-eg-eg-eg.
Nevada politician Lucy Flores has published an article
accusing former Vice President Joe Biden
of inappropriately touching her, smelling her hair,
and kissing the back of her head during a 2014 campaign event.
Said Biden, "I never treated her any differently
than I did President Obama."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Authorities in Mexico have caught a man
who allegedly attempted to rob a bank last week
by knocking down a wall
with a front end loader and a jackhammer,
chaining the safe to the tractor,
and trying to drag it away.
Police became suspicious when they saw someone
knocking down the wall of a bank with a front end loader
and jackhammer, chaining a safe to a tractor,
and trying to drag it away.
[ Applause ]
A new alarm-clock app has launched
that wakes users up with unconventional sounds
like shattering glass, gunshots, and women screaming.
Unfortunately, everyone in New York
has learned to sleep through it.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Back to the drawing board on the name of that app.
And finally, the government of Japan
has announced the name of the country's new imperial era
will be Reiwa, which will begin
when the crown prince takes the throne in May
and will end when a sophomore gets it tattooed on her back.
Let's get to the news.
Today was April Fool's Day.
So if you saw anything in the news that was positive,
that's why.
[ Laughter ]
President Trump this weekend
threatened to close the U.S.-Mexico border,
which could prevent businesses from importing key items.
And if we can't import strawberries from Mexico,
we may be forced to eat American strawberries.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Officials are claiming that the United States
will run out of avocados within three weeks
if President Trump closes the U.S.-Mexico border,
which is bad, but I think it's way more disconcerting
that everything has to be explained to the public
in avocados.
[ Laughter ]
"There will be a trade war! Families will be torn apart!
Our national reputation will be damaged!"
[Flatly] "Uh-huh."
"No guacamole!"
"What?! Impeach!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
Indiana mayor and Democratic presidential hopeful
Pete Buttigieg has announced his campaign has raised
$7 million in the last three months.
But unfortunately, he's just going to use the money
to buy more vowels.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Buttigieg-eg-eg-eg-eg.
Nevada politician Lucy Flores has published an article
accusing former Vice President Joe Biden
of inappropriately touching her, smelling her hair,
and kissing the back of her head during a 2014 campaign event.
Said Biden, "I never treated her any differently
than I did President Obama."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Authorities in Mexico have caught a man
who allegedly attempted to rob a bank last week
by knocking down a wall
with a front end loader and a jackhammer,
chaining the safe to the tractor,
and trying to drag it away.
Police became suspicious when they saw someone
knocking down the wall of a bank with a front end loader
and jackhammer, chaining a safe to a tractor,
and trying to drag it away.
[ Applause ]
A new alarm-clock app has launched
that wakes users up with unconventional sounds
like shattering glass, gunshots, and women screaming.
Unfortunately, everyone in New York
has learned to sleep through it.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Back to the drawing board on the name of that app.
And finally, the government of Japan
has announced the name of the country's new imperial era
will be Reiwa, which will begin
when the crown prince takes the throne in May
and will end when a sophomore gets it tattooed on her back.
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