Donald Trump Sucks At Golf

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT THERE WAS NO HOPE
FOR DONALD TRUMP AND I TO EVER BUT HERE'S THE DEAL:
I JUST LEARNED WE DO HAVE ONE THING IN COMMON: WE ARE BOTH
TERRIBLE GOLFERS, BECAUSE THERE'S A NEW TELL-ALL BOOK
ABOUT THE PRESIDENT CALLED "COMMANDER IN CHEAT: HOW GOLF
EXPLAINS TRUMP."
THAT IS HOW DESPERATE WE'VE BECOME TO UNDERSTAND THIS MAN.
"GOLF, CAN YOU EXPLAIN HIM?
WHAT ABOUT YOU, CHEESEBURGER?
YOU'RE HIS ONLY FRIEND!" ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, THE BOOK IS WRITTEN BY SPORTSWRITER AND GUY WONDERING
WHAT IT'S GOING TO TAKE TO GET YOU IN A NEW VOLKSWAGEN JETTA,
RICK REILLY.
HERE'S HOW REILLY SUMMARIZES TRUMP'S APPROACH TO THE GAME OF
GOLF: "HE CHEATS AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL.
HE CHEATS WHEN PEOPLE ARE WATCHING, AND HE CHEATS WHEN
THEY AREN'T.
HE CHEATS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT."
FUN FACT: THAT IS ALSO A DIRECT QUOTE FROM THE BEST MAN SPEECH
AT ALL OF TRUMP'S WEDDINGS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS )
NOW, HIS-- HIS-- HIS CHEATING IS SO UBIQUITOUS,
REILLY WRITES, "TO SAY 'DONALD TRUMP CHEATS' IS LIKE SAYING
'MICHAEL PHELPS SWIMS.'" TRUMP CLAIMS TO HAVE A HANDICAP
OF 2.8.
NOW, LOWER IS BETTER.
SO TO PUT THAT IN PERSPECTIVE, JACK NICKLAUS, WINNER OF A
RECORD 18 MAJOR GOLF TITLES AND GENERALLY CONSIDERED THE
GREATEST GOLFER IN THE HISTORY OF THE GAME, HAS A HANDICAP OF
3.4.
HOW DO I KNOW THOSE STATS?
THEY TOLD ME RIGHT AFTER THEY GAVE ME MY KHAKI PANTS AT MY
WHITE-MITZVAH.
( LAUGHTER ) REILLY SUBTLY INSINUATES THAT
TRUMP MIGHT NOT BE HONEST ABOUT HIS HANDICAP, SAYING, "IF TRUMP
IS A 2.8, QUEEN ELIZABETH IS A POLE VAULTER."
( LAUGHTER ) AND WE ALL KNOW QUEEN
ELIZABETH'S EVENT IS THE HAMMER THROW.
( LAUGHTER ) SHE'S JACKED.
SHE'S JACKED.
BUT THE SPECIFIC ANECDOTES ARE WHERE THE BOOK REALLY TAKES OFF.
LIKE WHEN TRUMP PLAYED AGAINST SPORTSCASTER MIKE TIRICO, WHO
SAID THAT, "TIRICO ONCE HIT A GREAT SHOT THAT HE KNEW WAS
CLOSE.
BUT WHEN HE GOT TO THE PUTTING GREEN, IT WAS MUCH FURTHER AWAY
THAN HE EXPECTED."
THEN "TRUMP'S CADDY CAME UP TO ME AND SAID, 'YOU KNOW THAT SHOT
YOU HIT ON THE PAR 5?' IT WAS ABOUT 10 FEET FROM THE
HOLE.
TRUMP THREW IT IN THE BUNKER.
I WATCHED HIM DO IT.'" COVER UP FOR HIM.
TRUMP'S OWN CADDY WOULD NOT COVER UP FOR HIM.
SO, TRUMP HIRED A NEW BAG HANDLER, WILLIAM BARR.
CAN'T SEE THE SCORE.
WON'T LET YOU SEE THE SCORECARD.
HE'S GOING TO REDACT, SUMMARIZE THE SCORECARD.
BUT, POSSIBLY WORST OF ALL, REILLY ALSO WRITES THAT TRUMP
"DOESN'T HAVE A GREAT HANDLE ON THE GAME'S ETIQUETTE.
HE DRIVES HIS GOLF CART ONTO THE PUTTING GREEN."
WHAT?!
NO WAY!
LOOK, THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS YOU CAN ACCUSE DONALD TRUMP OF,
BUT HE WOULD NEVER-- AND HE DOES IT IN FRONT OF CAMERAS.
THAT IS INSANE.
THOSE GOLF GREENS HAVE TO BE LIKE CARPETS, BECAUSE PUTTING
TAKES PINPOINT ACCURACY.
DRIVING ON THEM IS AS PROFANE AS USING THE BALL WASHER TO WASH
YOUR BALLS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE ONLY REASON HE DOESN'T
DO THAT IS BECAUSE HE ALREADY DUNKED BOTH OF HIS IN THE
LAKE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN LITHGOW.

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